i miss things i don't have, and have things that if they were gone, i'd never miss.

it's weird because some things just don't phase me anymore. i don't know if it's my medication (having had the dose changed) that's standing between my thoughts and my feelings,what's real and what's not.at the best of times it can be difficult to distinguish between the two but now moreso.maybe it's temporary but it's like i'm numbed and there's this layer that's stopping me from the usual knee-jerk reaction i would give to certain situations, yet at the same time i'm aware that something is different.

in some respects i like the change, i'm more in tune with the fact that people can leave my life just as quickly as they entered it.i know that i'm in danger of going into the extreme end of the scale of keeping absolutely everybody at arms length and being completely closed. i don't want to be that way anymore but to attempt to come out of that mindset is too big a risk. at least just now anyway. i know i'll always be wary of people due to experiences in my past but i know i could do with finding some kind of medium.maybe.

i don't know what to do with myself. i don't know how i feel about everything. i'm in some kind of limbo.



there is one thing right now i can identify, something i can attatch a feeling to. i've found something that is simple, yet complicated. broken, yet beautiful. safe, yet untrustworthy.


what is true, is this person, this place, this feeling, this taste,this sound, this time,this look, this smile, this situation. it makes me feel calm. it makes me feel comfortable and content and i've never had that before. if it went away, it wouldn't matter because i had felt something that was so good.i'd actually had the experience. i've never felt anything like this in my entire life. i've never truly felt like i connected to anything but with this i do.


i am so ready for it to be over. for it to finish and never, ever return. to never feel this way again. i'm embracing it. it could leave now and through the tears i'd still have a smile on my face.

loss is important.allow yourself to lose and grieve.i believe that if you don't, you'll never truly appreciate what you have.