Tool Release Huge Statement About ‘Attacks’

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Below is Blair’s latest official Tool newsletter.

TOOL NEWSLETTER

JUNE, 2018 E.V. 

Knowing that what most of you are interested in is the progress of the recording sessions; I recently asked a couple of band members about any updates.  So far, I haven’t received any replies, which I blame on the FIFA World Cup.  However, from an earlier conversation that I had with Justin, I take it that everything is hunky-dory.  There haven’t been any more Altar fires, attacks by electronics munching tawny Crazy Ants or peculiar noises emanating from the new recording console.  The studio has been properly banished with prescribed formulas and the uranium glass serving bowl has been filled with fiery Snickers.  Without a black scrying mirror named “Almuchefi”, I don’t have any time-tables (although in my March, 2017 newsletter, I gave a pretty damn good guess as to when the tracking would start… wouldn’t you say?).  Should I hear back from someone, I will include anything deemed newsworthy in an addendum.

So, with that in mind, does anyone want to hear about my recent trip to America’s most famous secret base? (Now that it’s practically in my back yard.)  Okay… there’s one curious fellow wearing a “I WANT TO BELIEVE” tee-shirt that I see in my mind’s eye.  Because it was a new moon (well, almost), a few of us went out to the perimeter to gaze at the stars and anything else of interest.

At around 7:45 P.M., a few top-shelf military jets and a (noisy!) unmarked larger plane began circling overhead. They appeared to be either observing or protecting (or both) a white plane that didn’t seem to be in any way exceptional

EXCEPT

that it vanished and re-appeared in a cloudless, perfectly clear blue sky.  Now, I’m not too knowledgeable about black budget, ultra-secret military aeroforms, but I will hazard a guess that what we were watching was some kind of cloaking technology being further developed involving, perhaps, dark-emitting diodes creating the invisible effect.  That or some other cutting-edge camouflage system (since super fast moving artificial clouds don’t quite cut it). I wish that I had got some footage of this, but, as everyone knows, photography is prohibited! After this went on for about 45 minutes, the planes disappeared (not literally) behind a ridge near the Groom Lake facility.

That was one bonus, but there would be another one: Just after nightfall, when the first swooping bats appeared  (and the ladies could pee behind the nearest creosote bush) we were startled by a blinding flash that was followed by meteor breaking up into numerous orange-glowing fragments at a low altitude. At least, we hoped that it was a meteor exploding and not a demonstration of a death-ray for our consideration. This was followed by…well, just a canopy of brilliant stars that was more than suitable for a space picnic with Capriotti’s sandwiches and silver Coleman-chilled Coronas, with Tomita’s version of Holst’s “The Planets” playing on my portable CD player.

(That’s right all you mocking millennials with your newfangled audio shit that can be jammed by the Area 51 paramilitary goons with their EMP and HMP devices. F**k, they’ve probable got shit that can make the mustard disappear from a Capriotti’s roast beef sandwich.)

Alright, now we know that alien spacecraft can render themselves invisible or appear in the guise of fragmenting shooting stars to people that still masticate cow flesh right in front of the friendly things.

  • Kooler Than Jesus

    Another great misleading headline. Lol.

    • Gregory Marini

      As per usual. Clickbait $$$