Garbage singer Shirley Manson has written a new op-ed titled “The First Time I Cut Myself” for the New York Times. She emotionally discusses cutting herself in the article, and recovering from wanting to harm herself. She said it started in her teens.
“I was acutely aware of the attention I attracted, but I was entirely uninterested in anyone who was ever interested in me. I wanted someone I couldn’t have and was otherwise completely paralyzed. I had a desire to speak but could not find my voice. I wanted to change the world for girls like me, girls who didn’t fit in or want to conform, but I didn’t know how or where to start.
And all of it drove me mad with rage.”
When Manson finally did take a penknife to her ankle, she described the aftermath as feeling “untouchable and powerful. I was a woman in charge.” She added: “More than that, I felt a warm surge of comfort and relief. Relief from the rage. A relief from the powerlessness. Something had happened that didn’t feel right, and here were lines of my blood to bear witness to it and speak of it on my behalf.”
“The problem of course with any practice of self-harm is that once you choose to indulge in it, you get better, more efficient, at it. I started to hurt myself more regularly. The cuts got deeper. I hid the scars under my stockings and never breathed a word about it to anyone,” she explained.
With the ending of her toxic relationship and the beginning of a more loving one, Manson said the thoughts of self-harm subsided temporarily. However, they eventually crept into her mind again around the release of Garbage’s second album, 1998’s Version 2.0, when she was thrust back into the public eye.
“Mercifully”, Manson said, she was able to get through that period of time without cutting. “I managed to resist the compulsion to harm myself again. I muscled my way through the frustrations, the sick, unhealthy comparisons and the peculiar, destructive feelings that drove me to believe I wasn’t enough.”